The day went downhill from there. His period four, year elevens were hell on Earth, so halfway through mangling algebra, he froze the lot of them and spent ten minutes reading his paper. The first five minutes were pure bliss, but after that the fear of someone coming in and seeing 28 students frozen in time, mouths open in mid-cuss and hands raised clutching paper airplanes posed for flight, ruined it.
In the end he unfroze them, shouted a lot, and managed to get most of them to work out the value of A. Lunch time was duty again and he spent most of it trying to catch Michelle’s eye without making it too obvious. In the end he wasn’t obvious enough and she didn’t see him. Or she did see him and ignored him.
The suit was chafing. He’d forgotten that about the day suit, but it never seemed that important when he was fighting for his life. Trying to find the circumference of a circle, however, wasn’t quite thrilling enough to block out the constant itching in his crotch.
The year sevens trooped dutifully out and he prepared himself for period six, the last of the day. The year tens arrived in dribs and drabs, mooching along. Most were far too cool to wear costumes, but there were a couple of half-assed Batmans and one, horribly tight-fitting Flash that had him wincing.
He opened his mouth to begin and closed it again. He could teach the lesson, but he’d spent the last week getting excited about today and all he’d done so far was break up a fight and cause the removal from the space time continuum of 28 maladjusted teenagers. There had to be more he could do.
Ten minutes later, the fifth member of the class climbed onto the table he held above his head whilst he continued talking. ‘So, as you can see, sometimes weight doesn’t equal—’
‘AHHHHHHHH!’
The table wobbled and nearly went over before he got his hands to it. He deposited the desk, complete with five wide-eyed students, on the floor and dashed out into the corridor.
The maths department was on the main drag through the school building and at the same moment Mr Amazing came rushing out, another fifteen or so teachers stuck their heads out of their doors. Not that someone shouting AHHHHHH in school was all that unusual, but this cry had an extra layer of panic and pain.
At the far end of the corridor stood someone Mr Amazing had hoped never to see again. He never thought of himself as having arch nemeses, but had he done so, The Incredibly Evil Bastard would have come top of the list. They had fought four times in total and every time, the Incredibly Evil Bastard had escaped through some dastardly fiendish plot.
He stood now, resplendent in his lime green lycra, glaring straight down the hall at Mr Amazing. John’s eyes, though, were drawn to the woman struggling in his grasp. Michelle, despite the Wonder Woman costume, looked terrified, her eyes wide and her face pale. It was no wonder. The Incredibly Evil Bastard held his Instant Manglation ray gun to her head.
Mr Amazing set off, not thinking even for a second of what it would mean for his job. So long as someone wasn’t filming him. He’d taken about two steps when he heard someone gasp and looked to his left. Natasha had crept out of his classroom and had her phone pointing at him.
‘Natasha, what are the rules on mobiles in school?’
‘Only ever outside, never ever inside?’ She tried to make it sound like a question, as though that would make her somehow innocent.
‘And where are you now?’
‘But, siiir?’
‘Put it away or I’ll take it away.’
She scowled and slipped it into her shirt pocket. He took a step towards her, warning eyebrows at full raise and her scowl widened. She pulled the phone out and disappeared back into the classroom to put it in her bag. He turned and ran full pelt for the villain still posturing at the end of the hall.
He couldn’t help noticing that most of the other teachers had gone back into their classrooms and closed their doors. Some things just weren’t worth the effort at three pm on a Friday. Miss Hidgepuddle, on the other hand, had left her RE room and was striding purposefully towards the Incredibly Evil Bastard.
Now and then, Mr Amazing was grateful for his super hearing. The nascent twang of a warming-up elastic band had certainly saved him more than once from untold misery. This, however, wasn’t one of those times.
‘Excuse me, young man, but I really do think you’re taking things a little too far. Please release that teacher and perhaps you and I can talk about the appropriate levels of student/teacher rela— goodness me, Mr Ashworth.’
Mr Amazing stopped in his tracks, mouth falling open. It couldn’t be. He couldn’t be him. Suddenly, though, it made perfect sense. Dave had always been morally lapse. John had once been moment’s away from accusing him of stealing his white board rubber, which in a school was only one rung below murder and piracy. Add to that a distinct lack of respect for anything involving Pi and it was obvious. Of course Dave was a super villain.
Mr Amazing strode closer until he could gently move Miss Hidgepuddle to one side. ‘Please, I’ll take over from here.’
‘Mr Evans? Take over what, don’t be daft, I just want an AHHHHH!’
This time the scream was fatal. Dave, aka, the Incredibly Evil Bastard, had turned his ray on Miss Hidgepuddle and moments later all that remained of her was some mangled, bloody remains. The teachers and students John had hoped were tucked away in their classrooms all began to scream and panic at the same time.
He had to ignore them, though. The real danger lay right in front of him. Michelle and Dave were both staring at him. Michelle was green but still giving him an admiring look. Dave’s mouth hung open and he shook his head.
‘It can’t be. Bloody hell, you’re Mr bloody Amazing. How didn’t I realise?’
‘Maybe because I was kicking your arse every time we met.’
‘Hah, good try, mate. I seem to remember putting you in traction with a bus not so long ago.’
‘Actually, that was two years ago, and in case you’ve forgotten, you needed help from Swamp Boy and the Fantastic Diego.’ He glared at Dave, resting his clenched fists on his hips. ‘Let her go.’
‘What? You’re having a laugh, aren’t you? I’ve been trying to get her for—’
‘Dave, you’ve been here nine months. That’s not really all that long. Besides which, you aren’t getting anything, you’re kidnapping her and that is unlikely to get you very far.’
‘My name isn’t Dave.’ The words came from between clenched teeth. ‘It’s the Incredibly Evil Bastard.’
‘Right now, you’re being the Incredibly Stupid Twat. Now let her go.’
‘NEVER.’ Dave aimed his ray gun and fired. John leapt aside, grabbed the top of the stair rail and threw himself straight over Dave’s head. He landed just as his enemy span around, still with one arm wrapped around Michelle. But she slowed him just enough for John to launch his own attack.
His fists blurred and Dave was forced to block.
‘Run, Michelle, go.’
She wriggled free and raced off down the corridor, chased by Dave’s anguished cry. Mr Amazing kept attacking, driving blow after blow against the Incredibly Evil Bastard’s defence. It soon crumbled and his blows began to land on his face and chest. Dave dropped to one knee, then two knees until Mr Amazing was able to launch one, mighty strike that knocked him flat on his back.
‘Enough. Please, you’ve got me, just, please, that’s enough.’
Mr Amazing stepped back, folding his arms and glaring down at the Incredibly Evil Bastard. ‘You’re going to jail this time, you Incredibly Evil Bastard.’
‘I know. I just, I love her so badly.’
John groaned and shook his head. ‘Please, don’t embarrass yourself.’
‘Haven’t you ever loved someone?’
John glanced over his shoulder. Michelle stood close by and she caught his eye. He smiled and the returning look was another invitation. He swelled and turned back to the Incredibly Evil Bastard. ‘Maybe I have. But I wouldn’t kidnap them.’
Dave’s eyes were wide open and his lips were pulled back from his mouth. ‘Her? You love her? You can’t, she’s mine.’ He moved faster than John had ever seen and the ray was back in his hand. ‘You can’t have her, you can’t.’
Dave fired and John raised an arm in some pointless attempt to stop his impending doom. A doom that never came.
A sound like breaking glass rattled down the corridor and John reluctantly opened his eyes. Dave still crouched before him, ray held up, but he wasn’t moving. A glowing, hissing yellow rope was wrapped tight around his arms and neck, holding him in place.
Between himself and The Incredibly Evil Bastard, John saw Michelle’s arm. The wrist band on it looked like really good fancy dress, like someone had spent a lot of time hand stitching the leather. He followed the arm back to its owner and stared at her.
‘No way.’ He breathed and she smiled and nodded.
‘I have to ask, where are you guys from? Is there some new indie that’s been doing well? Don’t tell me you’re some new crap Marvel’s cooked up, because in my day, the Incredibly Evil Bastard would never had stood up as a name.’
‘You’re…’
‘Yeah. Get used to it, cowboy. Tell me, what was your get-out plan, if I wasn’t here?’
His mouth flapped open and closed and he shrugged. ‘Um, I don’t know.’
‘You see, that’s why you’ll never be working for one of the big guys. I mean, Marvel will try anything if they think they can get away with it, but my boys? They require a certain degree of logic to their close calls. You were mangled any moment’
Wonder Woman sighed, shook her head and turned away. She stalked down the corridor and he stared after her, watching her long black hair wave like some fantastical realisation of a child hood dream. ‘Wait, Michelle.’
‘Diana, please.’
He flushed and looked at his feet.
‘Are you coming then?’
He glanced up. She was standing at the corner of the corridor, one finger cocked and beckoning. With his heart in his mouth, John raced after her.
As they left the school, a plethora of police cars arrived with sirens blaring. The two of them strode away without so much as an enquiry, two superheroes amongst the crowd of costumes milling outside.
That evening, in a little house in a long row of little houses, Mr Amazing hung up his day suit and settled himself in his armchair. It had been something of an unusual day, and it wasn’t over yet. For the first night in six years, he was going to have company on patrol. Now if he could just sort out the chafing, life would be perfect.
The next story will begin on Monday 24th November