This is the second podcast episode in the ongoing story of pizza obsessed, tumblr veteran and budding teenage magician Scarlet Rose Parker.
In episode one Scarlet discovered she had a control freak for a computer, her mum had a spell book and she met a slightly smelly homeless guy called Martin.
Written, read and produced by Michael Cairns
The next podcast instalment will be out next saturday. Happy listening.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
It was only as the ground beneath their feet turned to grass and the ceiling above became dark rolling clouds, that Scarlet thought she should perhaps have told Martin what they were doing. Oops.
She looked at the hand clasped in hers. Lara wore bangles and bracelets, some the rubber ones you got from charity or bands and others, thin rounds of metal. They rubbed gently against her wrist. Maybe she should get some too. Maybe she should buy one for Lara.
Maybe she should find out where they were before someone or something inevitably attacked them. The field stretched away in all directions. Mountains filled the horizon, peaks covered in snow or hidden in the clouds.
Opposite was a forest, the sort you got lost in, or found a gingerbread house in, but either way probably never came out of. Lara’s mouth was wide open and she shook her head. Scarlet squeezed her hand. ‘You okay?’
‘Uh, yeah? Maybe? Where are we?’
‘No idea. Doesn’t matter though, we need to find the horse.’
‘It’s not a horse, it’s a unicorn.’
Scarlet raised an eyebrow. ‘Are you sure they exist?’
‘Why are you asking me? You’re the one who just opened a portal to another dimension or something.’
True. Somehow though, the idea of unicorns was a step too far, even if their horns had been removed. Was it called a horn? Did it have some fancy name?
She started to walk, taking slow steps through the long grass, enjoying the feel of the hand held in hers and the gentle caress of the bracelets against her wrist.
‘Where are we going?’
‘To find the unicorn.’
‘Well, yes, obviously, but where is it?’
Scarlet shrugged. ‘Normally, I just walk a bit and someone’ll screw things up for me, or kidnap me, or try to kill me. Whatever, we’re bound to come across it sooner or later. I’m just kinda liking the walking.’
She threw a smile to Lara, who laughed as her forehead wrinkled up. ‘Shouldn’t we have some sort of strategy?’
‘Does it involve splitting up? ‘Cause if it does, I’m against it.’
‘I don’t know, we don’t have one yet.’
‘Oh.’
They walked on and sure enough, after only a few minutes, the white figure of a horse emerged from a gap in the hills and galloped out onto the meadow, shaking its head back and forth. They stopped, watching it prance. Scarlet frowned.
‘Aren’t you supposed to be, like, awestruck by the beauty of it or something?’
‘I’m not sure, possibly, yes.’
‘That was conclusive, thanks.’
Lara laughed again and Scarlet stopped looking at the unicorn to glance at her girlfriend. Girlfriend. Heh. She could see her in profile, see the tip of her nose rising slightly, the tiniest wrinkles around the corner of her mouth where she smiled. She must smile a lot.
‘Help you?’
She almost wasn’t surprised that the unicorn was talking to them. Almost. She did, however, jump out of her skin and gasp as the massive beast galloped up to them. He stopped just in time, by which point they were both cowering, hands over their heads. His voice was quieter now and sounded amused.
‘Word to the wise, the best way to avoid being trampled to death is not to put your hands over your faces. Ain’t gonna help much.’
Scarlet recovered first, watching him stamp his massive hooves against the grass, snorting, his mane twitching. ‘Thanks for the tip. Speaking of which, what happened to your horn?’
The stamping stopped, the unicorn’s head coming close into Scarlet. The eyes were huge, as big as her fist and she worked very hard to neither back away nor whimper.
‘It’s not very nice to bring attention to another’s shortcomings.’
‘I’d have thought it was a short-going, actually, you know, being on the front…’
She trailed off as the eyes bore into her. Okay, stupid move. The unicorn was larger than any horse she’d ever seen. To be fair, she’d only ever seen a couple, normally ridden by police, but they had seemed big at the time. This thing was huge, like, twice her height and when it pulled its lips back she could see teeth the size of her head. At least.
‘You are not of this place.’
She bit back another flippant retort, and shook her head. ‘No, we’ve come here from London.’
‘Where’s that?’
‘England?’
A blank stare.
‘Europe?’
Another.
‘Earth?’
‘Ahh, how is it there?’
The two of them exchanged glances. This was, she had to admit, now quite surreal. ‘It’s okay. Weather’s a bit crap, but you don’t seem to have much better here.’
The unicorn tossed its mane again, looking over their heads. ‘The end of days is here.’ He sounded bored and tired and grumpy. ‘The clouds have been steady for… perhaps twenty, maybe thirty years. I lost count a long time ago.’
‘Um, how old are you?’
The unicorn turned its attention to Lara. ‘She ain’t the only rude one, then? Do you normally ask people how old they are, back on Earth?’
Lara turned bright red and stammered. ‘Um, no, no, sorry, not at all, goodness, do please forgive me.’
‘Hm, you talk better than your mate, at least. I remember when the forest behind you were striplings, barely planted. I remember those who planted them, and I remember the forest that was there before the planters cut it down to build.’
‘Old, then?’
He turned his attention back to her, lip rising again as he snorted. ‘You’re interesting. Why are you here?’
‘Actually, we came to see you. I mean, assuming you’re the only unicorn with his horn chopped off in these parts?’
He stamped again, head shaking, and she tried to figure out if he was angry or if it was, like, a nervous twitch or something. She hurried on. ‘Someone’s trying to bring the Undying back to life. We thought you might be able to help.’
‘Ah.’
Was that it? They waited a little longer, but nothing more was forthcoming. ‘So, do you think you could help us, please?’
‘How long’s it been since the last time.’
‘About sixty years, I think. Quite a while really.’
Another long, awkward silence, during which Scarlet got to wondering where the nearest toilet was and whether the clouds above ever delivered the rain they so obviously promised.
‘You lot are clumsy back on earth, ain’t you? Yeah, I’ll help.’
‘That’s a relief. Thanks. What can you do?’
The unicorn actually did a double take, which was one of the funniest things she’d ever seen. ‘The usual, you know.’
‘Um, no?’
He sighed, then snorted. ‘What all unicorns do. I’ll act as a conduit for your magic, strengthening it, making it greater than it would otherwise be and thus giving you the power needed to defeat the Undying.’
‘Actually, I was hoping we could make it so we never got to the point of actually having to fight him, you know? So, like, can you do anything else?’
The unicorn stamped and shook his head. Okay, it was definitely a reaction. She took a step back. ‘OK, great, well, that’s really cool, thanks. Will you come back with us now?’
‘I will. How do you propose we return to earth?’
‘Well, I’ve got the ingredients, so we’ll just get it together and then I’ll open the portal, same as on the way here.’
The unicorn shook its head, almost on a par with the double take for weird humour. ‘No you won’t. The ruler of this place has it locked down tighter than the queen’s privates. Why do you think I’m still here, even after he took off my horn? No one leaves the kingdom without the king’s say so.’
Next Installment Monday 3rd March
This is the first podcast episode in the ongoing story of pizza obsessed, tumblr veteran and budding teenage magician Scarlet Rose Parker.
Written, read and produced by Michael Cairns
The next podcast instalment will be out next saturday. Happy listening.
Podcast: Play in new window | Download
The lounge was dark, the curtains wide open to reveal the streetlamps were on, casting pools of yellow light against the night. Martin was back in his rags, but she barely saw him before mum grabbed her for another hug. Normally, this much proximity to her would have led to shouting and possibly throwing things, but it wasn’t so bad this time around. Mum pushed her back, staring at her with the same eyes she got after a bad parent’s evening at school, kinda worry mixed with the threat of death.
‘You shouldn’t have come, you shouldn’t have, what could have happened?’
‘Well, let’s think, shall we? I could have gone into hell, faced down a demon, and rescued you. Or, you know, I could have stayed here and become some scary blimp creature, living on microwave pizza and staring blankly at the walls when they shut the TV off after I failed to pay any bills.’
The sentence was slightly too long for mum to take in, so she just hugged her again. When she escaped this one, she turned to speak to Martin. The lounge was empty but for the two of them, and she ran to the front door. It was closed, and when she yanked it open, the street was deserted. With a shake of her head, she closed it slowly, and turned back into the house. They had a lot to talk about, her and Martin and her and Mum. But it could wait until the morning.
‘Mum, I’m going to bed.’
‘OK, honey.’
‘You aren’t going to do anything stupid whilst I’m sleeping, are you? You know, like get sucked into hell or anything.’
She was met with silence, and managed a smile as she made her slow way upstairs. Slumping onto her bed, she reached with one hand for her laptop as she kicked off her shoes. Dragging it onto her lap, she logged in. The screen went black, the cursor appearing. She almost howled as the words appeared.
…There, doesn’t that feel better? Now, after all that, does Tumblr really feel so important?…
Actually, yes, it really does. She sighed in pleasure as the blackness went and the screen lit up to windows. She clicked on the Internet explorer symbol, and watched in horror as it dissolved, followed by the rest of the screen. A face appeared in the resulting blackness, thin and pale with heavy, dark brows. ‘You haven’t destroyed my name, little girl, you promised–‘
She screamed, and threw the computer across the room…
Her hands were shaking. ‘I have your name. I command you by right. Harm my mum and…’ What? What the hell was she going to do? Then inspiration struck. ‘I’ll leave this castle and shout your name from the mountains, so every other being here knows it.’
He paled, though she hadn’t thought it possible, and his hand dropped. She had him. She had him! Trying hard to look casual, she turned her back and walked across to Martin, shaking him gently until his eyes cracked open. He sat up quickly, hands out to brace himself, and shook his head, blinking furiously. She helped him stand, then was thrown forward as mum crashed into her, arms wrapping around. She managed to turn and return the hug, clinging to her like a wino with his last can of Special Brew.
The three of them looked at the demon, stood further away now, eyes shadowed, face expressionless. His voice was the sound of the dying– enough already, just, he sounded creepy. ‘You will destroy any evidence of my name. Should you fail in doing so, I will hunt you. You have made an enemy today, Scarlet Parker, be careful next time you step this way.’
‘Yeah, ‘cause I was really planning on coming back to hell soon.’
‘You’ll be back.’
She shivered, and he was gone. The torches guttered, as though a wind blew through the hall, then one by one they went out. As the darkness grew, Martin grabbed their hands and dragged them toward the door through which they had entered. They ran down the corridor, chased by a blackness far darker than the simple absence of light, and racing with it the laughter of the dead, newly awakened and angry. She snorted, shaking her head, even as her hands shook.
Before them, the dull light of the sky flowed lazily in through the front door and they ran harder. Her sides were hurting, her breath coming in gasps and she slowed. Martin yanked at her, nodding over her shoulder. She glanced behind and saw the demon, his face emerging from the darkness, huge and fierce, and she shrieked and sprinted for the door.
They burst out onto the plain, and kept running, ignoring the laughter that chased them toward the mountains. Back between the cliffs and through the valley, and finally they paused, her hands on her knees as she bent over, sucking in air. She pulled the book from her waistband, cracked it open at the page, and spoke the words, until the light blinded her and she stepped forward.
Final instalment: Wednesday 6 November
This time, his voice was the sound of the coffin creaking slowly open, to reveal the dirt above where she’d been buried alive. God, it was like some bloody Steven King novel in her head. He was laughing, shoulders shaking, and Martin’s words came back to her. He was trying to scare her, to make her feel weak. It was all an act. ‘And you can’t stop me.’
He moved, without moving, and was right in front of her, glaring balefully down. Her heart was racing, her mouth dry like ashes. She screwed up her eyes, muttering, ‘there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home, there’s no place like home.’ She peeked, and whimpered at the face, inches from hers, top lip curled in a sneer. She hadn’t seen him move.
She bit her lip, the taste of blood bringing her back from the brink. She opened her eyes, and stared back. He hadn’t moved, and she could see the lines that ran from the corners of his eyes, the tiny burst blood vessels that crept spider-like across his eyes. He was old, and tired. She glanced round and saw mum, staring at them with wide, frightened eyes. This wasn’t going to happen. Somewhere, far away, her computer was waiting for her to update her status, and there was no way she was missing the chance to talk about this.
‘You smell of fear and weakness, little girl.’
‘Yeah, and you smell of shit, and old age, and hate, and there’s no place for you in my world.’
His thick eyebrows raised, his snarl growing, but there was something else in his eyes, a flicker that hadn’t been there before. She hoped it was doubt or fear, and not indigestion. ‘We’re leaving here, me and Martin and my mum. You should get rid of the cage now.’
He was going to hit her, like he hit Martin, and he’d rip her head off. She screwed up her face, waiting for the blow. Instead, he spoke. ‘What can you give me for your mother, what do you have to trade?’
‘How about I forget I know your name, once we’re home, and I burn that page?’
The demon cocked his head to one side, nodding slowly. ‘That might be enough.’
Was he bluffing? Martin had said his name was power and… what exactly had he said? Dammit, it was either that she had, like, complete control, or just that it was quite useful. She couldn’t remember which. Sod it. She thrust her chin out and stared at him. ‘How about I say it’s enough, and you say ‘thank you’?’
The demon hissed, raising a hand. She stood still, her legs shaking so hard she expected to topple over at any moment. Then he stepped back, and waved a hand. Mum’s shouts exploded into the room as she charged over. ‘Get the hell away from my daughter!’
The demon turned to her, hand raised again, and time seemed to slow down. Scarlet saw his clenched fist begin to move, and heard her own voice, long before her brain caught up. ‘NO!’ It came from deep within her and carried something, power, like the smell before a storm.
He froze, turning slowly to face her, lips drawn back in a snarl. ‘You dare command me?’
Next instalment: Monday 4 November